Brains.

[crazypapercups]

My brain works...bad. uhm, that's just the word that comes to mind. whatever. anyways, I can convince myself that and untrue thing is a fact, but I cannot go back and say 'well that's not right' and change my mind about it. Like, for example.

Untrue statement: A+ B = A

I can convince myself that this IS in fact true even though it isn't and will never be true, once my mind is wrapped around A+ B = A, then that's just how it is, until someone else hammers it into my brain that A+B = C. I can't do it myself, someone has to convince me otherwise.

And that's the problem, people either Cannot, or they just don't try, and this has been messing with me for a long time. I have this pattern:

A. Happened.
Because A. Happened, B must not like me.
B's dislike = hate
B hates me.

In my mind there is no in-between. You either hate me or you don't, you're not simply "upset" with me, You Hate me. And though this is untrue, I cannot convince myself otherwise, and how do you prove that you do not hate someone? Especially someone like me; A paranoid schizophrenic, who believes 'B' is always out to get me, and plan things out, so that they always fall into 'B's' favor and I end up alienated somehow.

hmm.

Not just this though.I have problems with people expecting things from me. I like being praised when I do well, but I don't recieve much praise for anything anymore. I end up getting really needy when it's all said and done. And ever since I was young, my mother always made me earn her love. It wasn't ever:
"Hello. -gives hug-"
it was:
"Where's your test? Oh, you only got a ___, why don't you go study some more?"

So there was a standard I had to meet, and when I didn't meet those standards I got a slap in the face and yelled at for a good ten minutes in Korean.

Somehow I've applied this to everyone I know.
I think:
"In order for ____ to be nice to me I have to ___"
and it's frustrating to me, because I come up with all of this, and if I can't come up with anything I get OCD and think about what I should say or do around them all day as not to offend them.

So it's upsetting.

I dunno.
should I get some help about this?

[l u c i d `]

I'm not gonna comment on any thing because I'm exactly the same way, give or take a few things.

But, if you truly believe that this is affecting your life way beyond control and that you no longer can handle it, then do talk to someone or get some help before it drives you to do somthing you'll regret.

[Egyptian Myth]

Hate is much too strong a word to use loosely, so a vast majority of the time when someone claims they hate me I don't take it like I would if they really did *hate* me, I take it like they dislike or strongly dislike me. As far as I know only one, POSSIBLY two people hate me in the entire universe. xD
And I *hate* .. -thinks- ... two for sure, maybe three people. And they're not who you might think they'd be. xD

Ugh. Standards. I'm not even going to go into standards, I'd have to make a separate rant post for it.

I'm very stubborn. I tend to stick to my own beliefs/opinions, especially when I know and understand from hard evidence it's right. But if my evidence is proven wrong, or I'm given new evidence for something, that can persuade me to take a different view. I try to consider all the possibilities before becoming what some would call 'irrationally' stubborn about something.